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Amy Swift Crosby

the story is in the telling

Traps.

July 20, 2019 · By Amy Swift Crosby

Can you stay with me long enough to tolerate a low-hanging metaphor?
I promise not to stay here long.

I was laying ant traps the other day due to an infestation in my master bathroom. After placing each plastic death square in key pathways, I took a moment to observe. Would they be like bees to honey (or ants to insecticide in this case) or… remain undeterred? My hope was that they’d eat the bait, take it back to their friends, and ideally make painless transitions to more appreciated reincarnations.

Only about half of them took it. The rest went around it.
What is it that causes an ant to know how to avoid his own demise?

And so, my metaphor begins.

How good are any of us at spotting what I can only describe as irresistible yet emotionally costly situations? Are we all susceptible to repeating what, in the end, amounts to the death-of-my-better-self trap?

These ‘traps’ I’m describing are circumstances that trigger behaviors or internal conversations that we know bring out the worst in us — or that further embed a toxic pattern — but that we can’t resist repeating.

In my role as a copy writer, I stop brands from falling into expected messaging traps all the time. But as a human, I’m batting more like the ants.

Being misunderstood, ignored or overlooked.
Coming home to a messy kitchen (guilty).
The internal dialogue that may churn when peer success shines a light on one’s own (seemingly) slower pace.

Certain conditions spike our emotional insulin in just the right way — taking us from calm and optimistic, to cynical and accusing. We give them attention and credibility in a way that hijacks our most rationale, generous attributes. And without a professional to prevent the derailment, it’s up to us to be the disruption we need to thwart such emotional stick-ups.

Couples experience this frequently by virtue of repetition — he does this, so I say that. The relationship rarely improves by repeating that same song and dance (yet again), but impulse control can be weak in version 10,000; tapping into reserves to create a new pattern isn’t always possible. We get tired. And if we’re not paying attention, falling for the poisonous bait of habitual dynamics can quickly go from outlier to the status quo. Chronic discord can lead to distance… and the equivalent of swallowing psychological Raid. Ultimately, it represents more than disagreement, and grows into disengagement. That’s a pretty fatal trap.

Few of our traps are big surprises (childhood dynamics with parents, anyone? Getting cut off in traffic?). While we usually can’t stand how much our reactions keep us from who we want to be and the kinds of relationships we hope to attract, we’re drawn in, and sometimes even addicted, to scratching an emotional itch.

But… no sooner are we full of regret, remorse and a desire to revise immediate history.

While most of us won’t meet our literal death from our own B.S., the cost is still real when it comes to our perception that life is getting better, not worse; that we’re gaining ground, not losing it; that we aren’t alienating people who matter.

Freud called this phenomena Repetitive Compulsion, and without unpacking the full meaning and implication of this term, it basically means we can’t help but repeat dynamics that are hard-wired over time, no matter how icky these perfect storms of familiar dialogues, arguments or triggers make us feel.

I like to think we can, actually, overcome predisposition or long-held defense mechanisms. But as anyone who has tried to disrupt a knee jerk response in some intense personal scenario knows, it ain’t easy. Valuable practices and retreats  (designed to repattern these pathways) support transformation, but they’re not insurance policies. Which is to say, it’s hard to change what may be natural, even when it sucks.

But rising a few thousand feet above the day-to-day trip wires, to a more metaphysical plane, traps don’t just enable lesser present selves – they sabotage future ones. Think of the hard work you’ve done to overcome limiting beliefs, or trauma, or stories that don’t support what you really want. These traps are distractions that build walls and block intimacy. They stop movement, figuratively and literally.

For me, falling for a known trap makes me feel bad for days. I admonish myself for knowing better but doing worse. So the ants got me thinking. Why not use words, a currency I often curl up with, to reframe these situational landmines?

Could “traps”…instead be viewed as “tests”?

Instead of heading directly for the bait (because it’s a familiar toxin), we could identify traps as opportunities to foresee the feeling of being cornered by our own beliefs and reactions, and then — with all our mental muscle – twist our own plot. I know I could better anticipate what has kept me down in the past — or as recently as yesterday – and view it as an opportunity to demonstrate something different…to myself, or whoever may be watching. Witnessing myself…not be (my historical) self…could be a very powerful disruptor.

Cognitive dissonance is rarely intentional…

Good people have toxic communication patterns.
Lifelong meditators fly off the handle.
The confident and talented undervalue and underestimate themselves.

These aren’t mutually exclusive scenarios, and our best qualities don’t necessarily save us from our worst ones.

It’s funny how you can just be getting to know yourself, half-way through this life.
It’s also amusing that the traps that most rob us of the good emotional hygiene we hope to nurture aren’t usually high voltage negotiations or even major life events — but rather the daily transactions that come with being alive, being in a relationship, taking risks, being loved.

No one’s trying to kill me (or you) on the plus side.
Yet…I can save my own life (and so can you) at any time.

Solve If With What.

November 23, 2015 · By Amy Swift Crosby

SeeingvsKnowingNo rational human welcomes the feeling of uncertainty – that uneasy sense that you can’t see around corners or don’t know where a road might lead. Of course recent events make us feel that the world is more unpredictable than ever. But when you depend on yourself for success, financial stability, reputation, life’s work – the mercurial feelings that demand clearer answers exists all the time. Will this idea work? Is this partner right? Why didn’t anyone RSVP? I don’t even know what I don’t know, which means I really don’t know enough. EEEK!

Because we can’t see the future, and because we have to do something as answers are revealed and work performed, here’s my plan (for myself) every time these feelings arise.

I’m going to give – an in giving, try to create a little bit of certainty for another human being. It gets us out of our own way. And offers the very thing we ourselves often crave; Unexpected grace. But I’m not going to just do anything for someone else. I’m going to do something specific – that only I can do. Could be a talent, a connection, a word, a way of seeing something, to someone who needs it.

Here’s what it does: it gives us a little tiny bit of knowing that we moved another human forward toward something they really, really want – with something only you have – and were meant to give to the world. It gets us out of our own way.

In honor of thanksgiving, let’s just give some small (but hugely useful) thing. To someone. Somewhere. Freely.

It’s medicinal.

Dualité.

November 17, 2015 · By Amy Swift Crosby

Photo thank you @reyalfashion

On level one, you just want to cry and grieve and do something (anything) to help.
On level two, you have to deliver work for a client.
On level one, you want to let them know you care, that we are connected, that their tragedy is in our hearts and minds.
On level two, you have to make dinner.

What happened in Paris, and what is in the news every day, challenges us to live two lives.  In one, we go about our days, having meetings, pitching work, seeing friends, making plans, complaining about resolvable problems.

And that’s normal, right? That’s life. You have to run your business, feed your family, listen to a friend complain about traffic.

I find it really challenging to do all this, while I feel all that.
You can’t be all business.
But you can’t be all heart, either.
The only, only take-away for any of us can be that these events have a grounding, sobering affect.
Stupid sh&t just doesn’t matter. â€¨But a lot of other things just really do.

 I hope somehow goodness can prevail.

Last Days

November 10, 2015 · By Amy Swift Crosby

LastDays

Last Days on the boat. See you in nine months.

The last days of anything always feel melancholy. Sometimes it’s as simple as the season – saying goodbye to summer. Other times it’s the end of a partnership, a relationship, a business, a project. But last days have such an important role in the way we punctuate our lives – professionally and privately. Last days mean we are in deep presence and appreciation for what was – what it meant, why it happened. But so much of self-help dogma is about finding silver linings and escaping that uncomfortable edge.  Well-meaning friends say, “this is just a transition” or my favorite, “when one door closes….” etc. And we tend to agree with them. But maybe we shouldn’t re-market these themes back to ourselves. Because that’s what they are. Marketing. We are typically selling ourselves out of feeling uncomfortable. But why NOT be a little bit blue about the end? Why NOT sit in that feeling for more than a minute? And why do so many of us feel we need to tell ourselves “I didn’t want that anyway” or “maybe it worked out for the best.” Well maybe it did, but maybe it effing did NOT. Maybe you wanted it really badly but didn’t get it. It’s so easy to talk ourselves out of what’s “hard” because enduring it, being in it, seeing who you are in those dark places is brutal. But is it possible we could come out better for having not pulled the parachute too fast?

Risk can be terrifying. Unknowns can be torture. Relationships can feel unsteady. Work can have curveballs. Confidence can be shaken.

The nausea of vulnerability and change are places we don’t voluntarily dwell. But maybe we don’t have to make that go away so fast. There’s something for us in the rabbit hole, as anyone who has ever had dark, uncertain days can tell you. But we have to be there (and stay there for a minute) to find out.

Fluency

September 11, 2015 · By Amy Swift Crosby

FluencyYou can insert competency, naturalness, authority into this if that feels better, but here’s what we talk about when we talk about fluency.
You do this work at the highest level without thinking about techniques or mechanics.
You’re comfortable enough to think through questions and answers, without panicking about what’s “right” – thanks to experience.
You can be quiet – because sometimes you don’t need to talk.
You can be brilliant, without preparing for it.
You can manage surprises without losing your place in the script.
All of this happens when you develop a fluency in a skill, a sport, a relationship, a way of being. It’s a great place to be, right? But there will always be new things you get into where you’re a beginner – you’re on the JV team (and it’s uncomfortable for a varsity player like yourself.)
When I first started moderating panel discussions I was very focused on my questions – now I hardly look at them because I take cue’s from people’s answers, and aim to drive the conversation genuinely, but in a natural direction that serves the audience and gets the most from the panelist.
On the other hand, there’s my tennis game. I was a social player until this summer when I started taking lessons. I’m in the JV phase where I think about every stroke, my leg positions, my racquet – it’s all in my head. There’s very little naturalness. But if I keep going (and who doesn’t want to wear a tennis costume legitimately) maybe I’ll gain some fluency and stop THINKINg so much.  And become good, if not fluent.
It’s important to know your fluencies, and your JV sports. Expectations change when you see the game you’re playing.
Share either of yours on our FB Forum – this is where we talk about anything there is to talk about.

 

The Curse of Customization.

August 18, 2015 · By Amy Swift Crosby

TheCurseofCustomizationIsn’t it amazing how each of us can now dial our lives and experiences down to the most granular, seemingly insignificant level? Not only can we be our own DJ’s and turn on the alarm for the house from 20 miles away, we can tap into podcasts and audiobooks while having our teeth cleaned, plug our menstrual cycles into apps that calculate ovulation, look at our wrists to see how many steps we took that day – and get business cards designed, printed and shipped – in two days. More and more, our lives are becoming customizable – but you know what that does to everything that ISN’T? It makes us cranky. As we get more and more accustomed to things being connected, in sync, measurable, on-demand and tuned into our every mood and preference, all of the elements of life that are out of our control – relationships, business deals, creative projects, partnerships – all of those variables that cannot be swiped, clicked or downloaded  – become incrementally more frustrating.

It’s simple, actually. We’re getting used to having our way with our worlds. But the world is still reminding us that we’re human, people are people, life is still life – and most of it is still out of our control.

So now we get to practice tolerance. Patience. Flexibility.

Funny how the technical pace of life might also be accelerating our spiritual paths. If we let it.

Here’s a list of some of my favorite customization tools.

Urban Daddy app
Where to eat? Any time, city, circumstance.Tara Brach podcast
Spiritual musings.Ovia app
When am I ovulating? Now you know.OMG I can Meditate app
Self explanatory.

Marc Maron podcast WTF
Musicians, artists, actors, writers – Q and A.

Hotel Tonight app
Last minute hotel – any city.

Astrolis Horoscope App
Silly predictions – but kinda believable.

Quora
Every question under the sun – answered.

Tiny Scan
Take a picture of a document – scanned!

 

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About Me

photo of Amy Swift Crosby

I’m a brand strategist and copy writer. I mostly work with partner agencies or directly with the leadership or founding team at a brand. My primary mission is to connect design and messaging solutions to business missions. I work with start-ups and Fortune 500 companies, across beauty, hospitality, wellness/fitness, CPG and retail. This blog reflects my personal writing and explores our humanity – often as it relates to work, space, time and language. You can review my portfolio here or connect with me here.

Photo - Andrew Stiles

The Brandsmiths Podcast



Brand Strategists Hilary Laffer and Amy Swift Crosby tackle business questions with candid, (mostly) serious and definitely unscripted workshopping sessions. Guests – from small business owners to CEOs, executive directors and founders – bring their head-scratchers, hunches and conundrums to Hilary, the owner of a boutique creative agency in Los Angeles, and Amy, a copy writer.

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